Colors In Love

I am NOT a woman scorned. I am, however, a woman who has had her bout of failed relationships that so ardently promised forever, then left me with an empty stomach, Me 'Shell Ndegeocello's Bitter, and a heart with crumbled edges. My tinge of skepticism may stem from my previous marriage, which I will not divulge much of out of respect for parties involved, and because it bears little relevance to my current situation. It would be foolish to say that my last marriage has not altered my reverence in marriage. Like I alluded to before, I simply became a nonbeliever. However, the form of love that I endured has been one of the most life changing experiences to date.

Love found me in different shapes and different colors. When I was younger, love was Pink with scalloped edges. Then, I met a Red love with sharp, precise angles and ridged hinges. I lost the most when I loved Red. There was a Silver love. All shiny and new, I clung to it so, I tarnished its exterior. Underneath its shiny surface, it was muted and I could no longer see myself in its reflection. My Orange love struck like a match, ignited in a flame that constantly changed shape, yet remained a brilliant Orange.

My heart is speckled with the colors of my experience. I can't wash it clean, nor do I want to. Every color ran through my veins, for a time, staining the walls, turning me into a Jackson Pollock painting. Each hue living a life of its own, yet blending in perfect chaos.

For some time, I wondered what color Megan would be. I needed to color her in order to understand the way she loved me. Her calm would wash over me like the crystal waters of Islamorada. I needed her to be my Blue; tranquil and soothing. And she was. I began to rely on Blue to quite my own anxious spirit, forfeiting responsibility to calm myself, because she was always there.

Then, I noticed drops of Red in the Blue, muddling the color to an eggplant Purple. It dulled and wasn't shiny like Silver, anymore. Its still was motionless and flat. I no longer wanted this Blue love...I wanted more.

I had to take some time to understand what I wanted and needed from love, and more importantly, from myself. Megan wasn't Blue. I made her Blue because that's what I needed from myself. Her love is Clear. It catches the rays of my heart and prisms' a rainbow of color. She allows me to be love, in every gradation of color I have known.